I received the call I had been waiting for this week, the call from the doctor that would possibly shed some light as to why my baby passed away. As if the universe knew what I would need to get through that day I decided early in the day I would not go home, instead I would go to the beach and just sit and contemplate life.
The call came in on my way there, it was my dear friend who would make the call. Her voice trembling as she validated what my heart already knew, my baby was a boy. And he had no abnormalities, he was perfect. My fear that there was NO explanation was validated, they could offer me no conclusion as to why his little heart stopped beating. Just another reality of the unfairness of life.
He is my little boy and his name is Zander.
While everyone else hoped for a little girl I had this immense feeling that my baby was a boy, I’ve known with all my kids somehow what gender they were. Just as it was easy to name them because when I saw a name the name called out to me as an acknowledgement of our connection that this was the name they wanted.
I had a dream a few weeks prior to all of this happening and in this dream was this beautiful baby boy. He had pale white skin like my son Elyas, he looked so much like him too. His skin was soft and gleamed with love. I held him against my chest, ran my fingers through his thick black curly hair and lavished in his newborn scent. It was in that moment that I knew that this was my baby growing inside of me.
Another dream followed the first and the same beautiful little boy but a few months older was there. I remember waking up knowing that this was the baby growing inside of me somehow wanting to communicate with me. I just held him and cradled him as I would have done if he would have been born, he was perfect! One last dream followed where he was close to a year old, we were outside on the grass and my other kids were running around playing while I was rocking him. He was laughing hysterically with so much joy, the sun was shinning and it was a perfect day a dream come true. It was only a few days later that I lost him and I will never know why.
I am so grateful for the glimpse of who he would have been. I dreamt of my daughter Sophie, my special little girl throughout my pregnancy with her and when she was born I realized she was the same baby that I had seen in my dreams, I recognized her immediately.
The struggle to function everyday is still so very hard, I needed to do something for my own healing. I decided I wanted to commemorate Zander’s life by getting a tattoo with his name so that I could carry him with me always. I chose my left wrist because I carried him on the left side of my belly so that was his preferred side and so that I could see him there always. I got the tattoo this evening and I cried through it, but they were not tears of pain but tears of appreciation for his life. The tattoo artist exceeded what I had envisioned and represented my son just as he was meant to remembered, nothing less than perfection.
For my baby Zander,
I will carry you on me and in my heart and soul forever. Because knowing you and carrying you even if for a brief moment has forever changed me. My life will never be the same again but you will always be my little boy and I will love you for all eternity!