His name is Zander.

I received the call I had been waiting for this week, the call from the doctor that would possibly shed some light as to why my baby passed away. As if the universe knew what I would need to get through that day I decided early in the day I would not go home, instead I would go to the beach and just sit and contemplate life.

The call came in on my way there, it was my dear friend who would make the call. Her voice trembling as she validated what my heart already knew, my baby was a boy. And he had no abnormalities, he was perfect. My fear that there was NO explanation was validated, they could offer me no conclusion as to why his little heart stopped beating. Just another reality of the unfairness of life.

He is my little boy and his name is Zander.

While everyone else hoped for a little girl I had this immense feeling that my baby was a boy, I’ve known with all my kids somehow what gender they were. Just as it was easy to name them because when I saw a name the name called out to me as an acknowledgement of our connection that this was the name they wanted.

I had a dream a few weeks prior to all of this happening  and in this dream was this beautiful baby boy. He had pale white skin like my son Elyas, he looked so much like him too. His skin was soft and gleamed with love.  I held him against my chest, ran my fingers through his thick black curly hair and lavished in his newborn scent. It was in that moment that I knew that this was my baby growing inside of me.

Another dream followed the first and the same beautiful little boy but a few months older was there. I remember waking up knowing that this was the baby growing inside of me somehow wanting to communicate with me. I just held him and cradled him as I would have done if he would have been born, he was perfect! One last dream followed where he was close to a year old,  we were outside on the grass and my other kids were running around playing while I was rocking him. He was laughing hysterically with so much joy, the sun was shinning and it was a perfect day a dream come true. It was only a few days later that I lost him and I will never know why.

I am so grateful for the glimpse of who he would have been. I dreamt of my daughter Sophie, my special little girl throughout my pregnancy with her and when she was born I realized she was the same baby that I had seen in my dreams, I recognized her immediately.

The struggle to function everyday is still so very hard, I needed to do something for my own healing. I decided I wanted to commemorate Zander’s life by getting a tattoo with his name so that I could carry him with me always. I chose my left wrist because I carried him on the left side of my belly so that was his preferred side and so that I could see him there always. I got the tattoo this evening and I cried through it,  but they were not tears of pain but tears of appreciation for his life. The tattoo artist exceeded what I had envisioned and represented my son just as he was meant to remembered, nothing less than perfection.

For my baby Zander, 

I will carry you on me and in my heart and soul forever. Because knowing you and carrying you even if for a brief moment has forever changed me. My life will never be the same again but you will always be my little boy and I will love you for all eternity!

Feeling Numb

It’s been 13 days since I lost my baby, my heart is broken and my soul is numb. As if losing my child isn’t enough I have had to learn to tolerate comments from people who just make me want to smack them. I know their comments are not made in a malicious or hurtful manner but I really wish people would listen to what they are actually saying before they open their mouths to say it.

To lose a child for me has been  the loss of  a piece of my very existence, the fact that my child had not had the opportunity to take his or her first breath does not make them any less my child. The love is just as grand as is the love for my other children, the bond is just a powerful. Carrying a life inside of you with your souls living with-in-one body is a magical gift. I will not allow anyone to make it any less amazing than a gift that cannot be replaced or compared.

People tell me that I need to focus on the children I have and to be happy I have other children and my response is….

I have been shocked at the lack of empathy in the world at the loss of a child in a pregnancy, it is as if that life does not matter and never did. It is expected that I just move on as if my child never existed, and grieving for more than a few days makes people react in a negative way. It really is so heartbreaking to see how disconnected we are as a species and to see love, compassion and caring for others disappearing.

Every time you open up a social media outlet all you see is the portrayal of the perfect life, everyone is always happy and praising their partner and sharing all the magnificent moments in their lives. And, while there is nothing wrong with that lets be real and acknowledge that most of that is a farce, no ones life is perfect all the time.

Life can be beautiful and amazing and adventurous but it is also difficult and full of hardship and heartache. I am all about being real, and sharing the truth about my life experiences, because those experiences are what shaped me into the person I am today and I wouldn’t be me without them.

So I refuse to pretend that I am ok because I am not! If people want to be a part of my life they will see the reality of what my life entails both the good and the bad. It’s not about being negative, it is about validating the reality of my devastation and sharing my journey.

I think about my baby every second of everyday and I suppose I always will.  We had already named our baby and we are anxious to receive the pathology report from my baby’s little body that will tell us if they were a boy or a girl. In doing so we will solidify our childs existence and ensure that the memories will live on through and with us always.

I am trying to navigate each day without trying to focus on the future but the truth is I am numb. I cry constantly. I cry on my way to work or as soon as I get into my car to leave work and even while I am at work, it helps that I can close the door to my office and allow myself to go through the motions. I cry in the shower and even in my sleep, I finally slept last night for the first time since that tragic day and it’s hard because I cry even in my dreams. I can barely eat and have lost the desire to be around people. My eyes are dark and sunken in and all I want to do is be in my pajamas. I question God and the Universe constantly and am still angry.

I cry when my five-year old talks to the baby that he says is still with us just not in their body. I cry as soon as I walk  through the door and I run into my husbands arms because I need him to hold me while I release the agony I’ve held in for most of the day. I am triggered by the simplest of things and in most everything I do and it’s so hard to maintain my composure especially when I am in public because my future had already been envisioned and in it was my baby.

There have been moments that one of my children makes me smile and I start crying because I feel guilty. There are moments that I find it hard to breathe as it feels like I have something compressing my chest, and my heart physically hurts. There is this blank feeling about myself that I just cannot explain but it’s there.

And that is the reality of where I am today, I won’t pretend I am not destroyed with the loss of my baby, and I won’t remain silent about my child’s life. I will cry for as long as my soul needs it, and I will not push myself to not feel what is truly inside my me.

 

Losing my baby

Only nine  weeks ago we were blessed with a surprise of life when I learned that I was expecting our seventh (7th) child. After the initial shock settled, because we hadn’t planned on having more children we felt our hearts fill with so much love and joy. Our life felt renewed, a new life to join ours what a more beautiful gift could one ask for. It was an amazing experience to watch our children learn to love this little peanut growing inside my belly.

We felt so blessed to have this opportunity to once again bring a beautiful soul into this world and expand our family. We decided on names for both genders, they all secretly  wanted a girl to even out my clan of four boys and two girls, but I didn’t  have a preference. I just hoped for a strong and healthy baby, because in the end that is what matters to me.

The weeks passed and my belly began to grow as this precious life grew inside of me. I felt flutters of movement very early on and as my belly grew so did the movements. I didn’t realize how much I wanted this baby in our lives until we were blessed with him/her. From the beginning I struggled with a lot of cramping and sharp pain, but we had an ultrasound to rule out any dangers and everything looked good. Baby had a strong heartbeat and was where it should be and  everything looked good.

We only told a few select friends and family, I was hesitant until I hit the 12 week mark because they say your out of the danger zone after that. So the weeks passed and week 13 arrived, I felt the tension of fear slowly lifting.  Then, we hit week 14 and we were now in the second trimester, woohoo!! This is it, we are safe now and we passed the danger zone and all should be smooth sailing from here. But the truth is there is no smooth sailing, and until your baby takes his or her first breath of life in the world there is no safe zone.

I was ecstatic when I finally felt very strong kicks and my baby was very active just after hitting my 14th week, some fellow co-workers even witnessed the bounces off of my belly.

And then in an instant my whole world changed.

I went to my normal check-up to only find the doctor unable to find the baby’s heartbeat, and he tried. My heart began to sink and I began to shake, he took me to ultrasound and as soon as they started and he said “I’ll be back” I knew my baby was gone.

In an instant my life whole life was shattered. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop shaking and I don’t remember much after that as it all just seemed like a blur to me. If my friends who work there had not been there with me I don’t know if I would have survived waiting there until my husband arrived to pick me up. I just kept thinking that this couldn’t be happening, I did everything right. I had my blood sugar under control and took my vitamins and was walking and drinking lots of water like my nutritionist said.

Why?? Why me? Why if there is a God who loves me would he do this to me? Why would God want to cause me so much heartache and despair, didn’t he remember that I was finally learning how to overcome my childhood and the depression I had lived with my entire life.

But there are no answers to my questions. There is only a shattered soul and more despair than I could have ever imagined could exist.

I will never be silent about who my baby was, my child. I will break the stigma of remaining silent after the loss of a child because any life no matter how brief is valid.  My baby’s life is valid.

And now there is only what life was before and after….

 

Releasing expectations

When my daughter was born and our world turned upside down at the discovery that she had been born with Cri du Chat syndrome our hopes, dreams and expectations for her were crushed. Her prospective future was shadowed by all of  the things she would never be able to do.

We hold expectations based on what we are taught to be the normal, but what happens when you begin to realize that there is no such thing as a standard of normal? Normal is not a one size fit’s all, normal comes in a multitude of varieties. Your normal and my normal are different.

So what happens to expectations? While there is nothing wrong with having expectations, sometimes it can be more beneficial to not have any. Of course you have to take into consideration the circumstances to each situation before you come to that conclusion.

I realized that setting the same expectations for my child that is differently abled as I did for my typically developing child is not rational nor was it fair; because every child whether developing typically or not learns differently and at different paces.

When I gave up on the expectations than that only left room for growth without limits. Now every time my child learns something new it is a wonderful accomplishment. It is not a marker for where she is not, or an indicator of a delay. It is simply a new step in the staircase of her growth. There is no pressure to make her something she is not, there is only how far she has come and gratitude for all that she can do and is learning to do.

For example:

I have no expectations that my child will one day speak, I have hope that she may do so one day. But, if it never happens I am content with how far she has come and that we are teaching her to

Releasing expectations for my daughter has only helped me let go of anxiety and fear and has allowed me to let go and live and I can enjoy watching her grow and develop at her own pace.

For me releasing expectations was a tool to healing and acceptance.

 

Freedom

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I’ve spent most of my life in search of something, that something has been hard to figure out but I finally feel like I have found my direction. My whole life has been surrounded by negativity, chaos and a sense of unworthiness. Some created by people around me and some of it created by my own manifestation. The experiences I’ve lived set the stage for my self damaging programming, that programming made it impossible for me to see myself for who I was, what I wanted and the potential of who I could become.

I have been a pretty good actress through-out my life, letting people see only what I wanted them to see. Everyone else’s feelings have always had more importance in my life, becoming the person everyone expects you to be is not an easy task; especially while your true self is trying to find its way out of the suppression you created to avoid facing it to begin with.

I want a life full of health, joy, success, love and happiness. But I have to create all those things for myself instead of waiting for someone to show me the way which is what I have spent a huge portion of my life waiting for.

Most of all, I want freedom in my life. I want to wake up and not have constant worry on my mind and soul as it weighs heavy on my energy. I want to look in the mirror and love who I am and how beautiful I feel, not feel sad because I am comparing myself to every other woman around me. I want to take personal time to read a book on the beach alone, or take up a painting class without the worry or guilt that the time I take for myself should be focused on others. And I want to stop trying for everyone else, I can’t change people and it’s high time that I accept it.

I want Freedom from guilt, freedom from worry and obligation to make everyone around me happy. I want freedom to breathe easy, to take extra time for myself. Freedom to allow the things that I want in my life simply because.

I’ve been struggling for the last few months as I came to terms that there were changes I wanted to make in my life but was afraid to make them. Over the weekend I was reminded by someone who is very dear to me that I am valid, that what I feel and want is valid and it is time to focus some time to create what I want. It was something I desperately need to hear to allow me to free my desires and begin to create change.

Feeling amazing is not something I have experienced much in my life but that is how I feel today. What a feeling!

Allow yourself to find that which sets you free and don’t wait for life to pass you by, create the life you have always wanted. Remember that you are in control of your life and only you can change your circumstances, it will only remain permanent if you do not make an effort to change it.

Sending you all much Joy, Love and Peace!

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Facing my fears, the anger and sense of loss.

Overcome Fear

There are so many things in life we take for granted, sometimes the simplest things that seem insignificant have the most value.

As I reflect back to when my daughter Sophie was born I see now that I placed value on things that were not important; while I was never a person that did not appreciate what I had or had accomplished I did not have the clarity then that I have today.

In the beginning of Sophie’s life I struggled desperately for many years with that truth, the truth that I had a child who was not only developmentally delayed but a child who is terminally ill. The realization that the life I once knew was gone and things would never be the same again caused a chain reaction to an emotional catastrophe in an already emotionally challenged woman.

Being Sophie’s mother has transformed me into someone I could have only dreamed of becoming, the experience of having her in my life opened me up to a new profound realization and perspective. This was the driving force that pushed me to find healing within my own personal turmoil, to look  inside of myself and find who I truly was and what I truly needed and wanted in my own life. Through that process I found my voice and the inner-*source part of me that gives me strength.

Through this new phase of my life I began to understand that in order to find the internal calm I longed for and the desire to live and love life it was essential to make peace with my reality. A reality that terrified me, a reality the made me angry and sad and closed me off to the life I had planned for myself and my family. I had to make peace, there was no other way.

So I began the journey to face my truths and fears. The most difficult transition was accepting  the fear of losing my child to one of the many illnesses that plagues her little body.  I cried for days straight as I tried to get a grasp on the fear and accept it,  and while it is still there and it will always be I no longer let it control and consume me. Occasionally it creeps in and I find it  hard to breathe, it is usually triggered by something that brings me sadness but I let it flow through and out of me.

Anger was really hard to let go of because it gave me a reason to hold on to such strong emotion and somehow in a sense made me feel like I somehow had control. But once I understood that my daughter’s genetic disorder was an error in genetic programming, and that its just a part of life. Nature has it’s flaws just as every living being on this planet does, so I had to learn to release the anger, it was done and it  was no ones fault. Life can be unfair and being a good person doesn’t exempt you from falling prey to difficult circumstances.

Coming to terms with the loss of the child I expected to have has been a long journey. I’d see a little girl my daughters age and immediately fall into the sorrow stages of wondering what she would have been like had she been born with all her chromosomes intact. What would her little hands, eyes and head look like without the physical traits of Cri du Chat syndrome? What would her voice sound like without the malformation that makes her voice so high-pitched? Would she have a lisp like her sister? How would she hold a crayon if she was able to use her hands appropriately?  When would she have begun to speak? Would she be a tom boy and love to play outside or would she be a girly girl like me and love to play dress up? The questions I would ask myself were endless and so were the debilitating feelings those questions brought with them. I had to let go of the child I wanted to have and learn to see the child I do have, and that was the key to finding my peace.

My daughter is seven years old and requires 24/7 care and it seems she always will.  When I am presented with a negative or difficult aspect of this journey I always do my best to try and find the positive lesson and that is what gets me through everyday. I try not to think about where she should be as far as development, I focus on our day-to-day and continue to support her in every way I can. I like to say Sophie is hardwired differently, there are no instructions to follow so we just learn as we go.

I believe I will always feel the sense of loss of the child I expected to have, but if I focus on that loss I will miss out on the child I do have and may live to regret the time I wasted focusing on something that will never be. I see Sophie, I mean I can truly see her in all her glory as she revels in the joy and love of life. She is perfect in her own way, she is unique and because of this sense of loss I feel it has helped me appreciate her life more than I would have ever been able to.

When our children are born healthy and without challenges we do not realize how valuable the smallest things can be until we are faced with a life without those little things.

Sending you all much Joy, Love and Peace.

What I have learned about perfection.

8a4122ec4c94aea22295c62c8e46de93What is perfection?  According the Websters Dictionary it means:

  • the state or condition of being perfect

  • : the act of making something perfect or better : the act of perfecting something

  • : something that cannot be improved : something that is perfect

But what does it really mean to you on a personal level?  For me it was what I aspired to be and have, the perfect body and the perfect life.

Ten years ago perfection plagued me, at least my concept of perfection did. Like something out of a movie my house was always in mint condition, most who knew me then had a hard time believing I had three children at the time because of my freakishly clean house. My floors were always a pristine white, my pantry was adorned with boxed and canned foods completely organized and labels facing the exact direction. I knew where everything was in my house, my husband would call me to ask for something and I could tell him exactly where it was. Towels were all folded and hung a certain way, the closets were immaculate and all clothing was hung and organized by type of clothing.

I was obsessed with perfection, sometimes it seemed more like an addiction with it. My house had to be in complete order, the need for perfection only hindered my ability to accept and love myself because I had this image of what perfection was supposed to be. In the process I treated myself harshly. It is true that sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.

In the midst of the organized chaos I used to call perfection I had not realized that my search for perfection only made me feel worse than I had already been feeling.

Today my house is polar opposites to what it was ten years ago,  and it does not bother me one bit. I find that it is perfect for where my family is today. Our lives change like the seasons change and so do our habits so we must mend and mold to accommodate those changes we experience.

Today my pantry is not meticulously organized, my floors only stay clean for about ten minutes after they are mopped and we always have mounds of laundry. But, my children are happy and I am not constantly worrying about cleaning.

Today I love myself and I eat healthy, not because I am trying to fit an image of what I should look like but because I care about nurturing my body. Today perfection reflects that which makes me feel whole and happy. Abundance of health so that I can live a favorable life to watch my children grow is perfection.

Today I don’t look at my self in the mirror and cry about how much I weigh or  why I don’t like I did ten years ago. Today I  look at my body and say with so much joy that this body full of curves and stretch marks carried and gave life to six amazing human beings and that is beautiful enough. Today I value the beauty of my soul and that love seeps out into my physical and that is enough.

This amazing planet we live on that provides us with everything we need to survive, to feel the wind flowing around you or laying outside to look at the stars, that is perfection.

That moment your child looks at you in adoration or gives you a hug or kiss, that is perfection.

That moment when you look at someone  and unconditionally wish only the best for them, that is perfection.

To see your child continue to grow and learn and defy the odds of their sicknesses  after you have repeatedly been told by all of her doctors that they have no explanation as to how she is still alive….THAT IS PERFECTION!

We grow up in a world that teaches us that we are not enough, and that we need things to feel complete and so we spend our lives looking for perfection when perfection is all around us.

We are created from pure love and positive energy so we cannot be anything other than perfect  each in our own unique way.

Perfection for me is feelings. When I feel joy, love, and peace I know I have achieved perfection in those moments; and I know I will only continue to create perfection in my life.

Life is full of perfect moments you just have to open your mind and heart to them and you will see them. Don’t let the other’s dictate what perfection is for you, look inside yourself and find your perfection!

Sending you all much JOY, LOVE and PEACE.

I had to learn to feel in order to heal.

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It may be hard to fully comprehend what the life of a parent to a differently-abled or medically complex child can truly like but I can give you a glimpse into how I experienced the initial diagnosis.

I used to feel sorry for people when I saw them with a child or adult that was differently-abled or had medical complexities. I remember thinking to myself, “those poor parents”.  I could even attempt to imagine how hard life was for them. I remember feeling relief that I was not one of them, that my children were healthy.

Then it happened to me, my daughter Sophie was born with a genetic disorder and her health compromised by a myriad of anomalies. There I was, on the other side of that invisible barrier society creates. I was now one of the same parents I felt sorry for.

When Sophie was born I felt so many different emotions, it’s still hard to describe them all today. Shock and panic were the first emotions to creep up on me. Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck multiple times and it had begun to detach from the placenta. She wasn’t breathing and had I not delivered just then she would not have survived. The doctors whisked her away and no one knew what was happening, for weeks she was in the NICU in critical condition and the uncertainty was numbing.

There I found myself filled with immense desperation for answers. I cannot put into words what I felt when they told us Sophie would most likely not survive. It filled me with anger because I felt that it wasn’t fair and that this shouldn’t be happening to me. I watched each day spending all day by her side while my baby fought for her life, the devastation is something I still carry with me today.

There were so many different emotions going through me all at the same time, it started messing with my mind. I tried to adjust to this new reality that had just changed mine and my family’s lives forever. I struggled to want to get out of bed, it was as if I was slowly dying inside. I didn’t want to tell anyone what was really going on because I didn’t want any one to feel sorry for me.  I felt sorry for myself and my family but I didn’t want sympathy, I wanted the perfect baby I was supposed to have.

I felt ashamed and I was in disbelief, I didn’t want to be her mother. I didn’t want to be one of those parents. I didn’t want to be the subject of sad looks and whispers, this was not what I had planned for my life; this couldn’t be happening to me!

It has been seven years since my daughter was born and I still feel a mixture of emotions. Those emotions are a part of me, I had to allow myself to feel them in order to overcome them to get to where I am today. I wouldn’t be who I am without experiencing all of those emotions, even the most difficult of them.

Society suggests to us the idea that if you are not like everyone else that there is something wrong with you. It is these idiotic beliefs that create boundaries and limits to who we are or who we can become. All of us have limitless potential, we will only go as far as we believe or we are lead to believe that we can go.

It took me a few years but I realized that in order to truly live again I had to embrace every aspect of this journey of my life. I had to allow myself to feel so that I could move forward and heal.

Today I can tap into each and every moment, I can relive those memories and feel those emotions but they no longer consume me. Without having learned to accomplish this aspect of who I am I would have never been able to move on with my life and begin living again. I would have never truly understood the meaning of  acceptance.

I am one of those parents now, I get the stares and whispers and people are always telling me how sorry they are.  But, I am also just her mother.  Being Sophie’s mother has been the biggest challenge of my life but also one of the greatest gifts of my life. It has opened my mind and soul to a new perspective, respect and appreciation for life  and also for the many opportunities to help others along my journey.

Life has continued and our lives are not horrible as my fears had led me to believe. My life is actually pretty darn good and that is because I refuse to focus on the negative and instead appreciate the value and gift of each day.

Being a parent is hard, having a child with developmental and medical complexities is harder but it’s not the end of the world.

Dear 15 Year old me.

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Dear 15-year-old me,

I want you to know that life is going to be hard, even though you already know that but it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. The rejection, loneliness and sadness you have felt from as far back as you could first remember is a part of who you are, it is not your enemy. Embrace your feelings and don’t bury them because they will always be a part of you and they are a key to who you will become. If you bury your feelings you are denying a part of yourself exists.

Stop tolerating insults from your family, your life has meaning and purpose and in the end your family will not be a part of your life. Remember that your life is special and you are an extension of God, your family does not define you. Accept and love yourself exactly the way you are now, it will save you decades of heartbreak and pain. You are beautiful both inside and out, remember that.

Realize that you don’t need anyone but yourself to feel complete, relying on love from others will never heal you. You must heal your own pain in order to allow love into your heart.

Don’t spend time looking for “friends” or you will waste so much precious time and energy searching. Focus on the few people who are genuine, who love you the way you are and they will be there always.

You are smart, you are caring and you are stronger than you think so stop doubting yourself. Finish school and do all the things you dream of doing, all those ideas that are spiraling through your mind need to be freed, release them. Don’t wait!

Stop trying to make everyone around you happy, it is not your responsibility. And learn to say “NO”, otherwise you will spend half of your life helping people whose only intention is to use you for their benefit. Always make time for yourself, if you are not healthy than you will never truly be able to give 100 % of yourself.

You are different and that is a good thing so stop trying to fit in because you never will. You will always be an out of the box thinker, embrace it as it will be a key to your success.

Stay humble, this will be the key to your inner peace. Experiences are worth more than things, this you already know but hold onto that and keep it close to your heart otherwise you will lose a many good years caught up in the illusion of wanting and needing more than enough.

Life is going to get rough, there may be times where you feel like it’s better to just end it. Don’t. Your darkest moments will guide you to search within yourself, to expand your own existence and  through this you will learn how to create your own light. You will not wander in darkness forever.

People will always find a reason to criticize you so their opinions of you are none of your business.

Travel while you are young, otherwise you may have to let that dream go. Never settle for less than what you want, you deserve everything your heart desires. Laugh, as much as you can. Dance always, even when no one is watching because it will always make you happy. Connect with nature whenever possible and take great care of your body.

You will one day become a mother and it will change your life but don’t get lost, remember who you are in the process. Your children will be the greatest accomplishment of your life but they will also be the hardest challenge you will ever face. In the end it will all be worth it.

Make sure anything and everything you do in life is because you want to do it and give it your all. Your voice is powerful, don’t wait until you’re forced into needing it to use it; free it now.

Don’t forget to breathe, swim and watch the sunrise and sunset. Lay outside and count the stars and bask in the beauty of our planet, you are a part of her.

Just remember to love yourself and others, in the end that is what life is about!

 

There is no one to blame.

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One of the most common comments that I get from people is that, “God knows what you can handle and that is why he gave you your differently-abled daughter”.

While I understand that these words are often used in a positive sentiment it really does not resonate with me. By accepting this as my truth I feel that I am validating the lie that my child is “less than”, and she is not!

Your religious belief’s and life perspective have a lot to do with what you believe as a truth in your life. I consider myself to be spiritual, I am not from any designated religion although I was raised going to Catholic and Baptist churches. I believe in God, but I also believe in the energy of mother nature. If you believe that God would give you some difficulty in life to enhance your belief in him or solidify your bond with him than believing that God would send you a child with developmental and medical complications could make sense to you. But that is not my belief.

You see, my belief’s reflect my journey and what I have physically and spiritually experienced through out my life. There were once a many things that may have made sense to me but no longer does.  I don’t believe in a fearful God, I believe in a God that is pure love and I do not belive that pure love can or will intentionally cause harm and pain. I do not belive our entire lives are written before we are born; my belief is that there are aspects of our lives that are chosen to guide us in the purpose of expanding our souls but free will can and will ultimately change the outcome of each and every situation.

My daughter has a genetic disorder, it was caused by nature not by God. It was a spontaneous deletion, an error in programming as she was being created as her genetic material began to form her tiny body. It is a natural programming error that could happen to anyone, I just happened to be 1:37-50K on that time around and that’s it.

I’m a huge believer that environmental toxins and the poisoned food we are consuming are changing our genetic makeup and thus interfering with natures process which explains why so many children are being born with sickness and genetic anomalies. The geneticists once told me that it was a miracle that a human being is created completely healthy with the “millions” of errors or “bad things” that could potentially happen.

Society teaches that anyone that cannot be trained to fit into their robotic game of life is somehow a punishment to the families of those individuals and to society. And, so it’s a never-ending cycle of fear that is embedded in us and the form of controlling us is by blaming God. And so we blame God, we are angry and bitter and feel that life is unfair and we are shocked that this could happen to us because we don’t deserve it.

When I finally accepted that it was no ones fault that my daughter was born with a missing piece of chromosome 5, and I mean truly accepted that truth it was then that I began to free myself.  The fear and blame were like a prison, as long as I held onto it I could not move forward.

Life can be unfair and bad things happen to people everyday, there is no one to blame for most of these things because they are just a part of life. It’s not Karma, or a punishment it’s just a part of life.

We all have immense strength inside of us, we are all capable of unconditional love and acceptance of one another but fear will hinder our individual and spiritual growth. It doesn’t matter what religion you belong to or whether you believe in God or not, if you can accept that life happens and do not focus on the blame you will begin a journey to freedom.